So I'm reading this piece by an Anglican monk and it's resonating deeply within me and I wanted to share doe of it and see what others think.

He said he: "finds a wide spread need in contemporary spirituality to find ways of praying and engaging with God, our selves, and one another that have room for simultaneous contradictions, the experience of opposite emotions. We need to find the sacredness in living the tensions and to admit how un-sacred and disconnecting are the attempts at praying and living while suppressing half of the stuff that fascinates and plagues us…"

"How can my rage and sickening disappointment in so many manifestations of Christianity cease to be a poison which depresses and paralyzes me when all I'm longing for is to be fully alive with God?"

"Only IN prayer" he concludes "is there a strong enough crucible for this kind of transmutation. When belief and doubt go into the crucible together, with the holy spirit, revelation, faith and hope may emerge.

The Gospel sums it up when it says: "Lord I believe, but help me my disbelief."

This has given me many hours of meditative thought tonight, how my eyes and mind and heart can wander in the darkness yet I want so much to be with God all the time. How to pray and how to develop actions that come from those prayers; by including listening into the process, and willingness to do what's required of me.

No matter if it's what I want to do or not.

I guess that for me, that's what being a human seeking, is all about.